It's been a few weeks since my last post so I thought an update was in order. Although I am definetely not firing on all cylinders still, I am in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago. there have been times where I have felt the spirit strongly which has given me a lot of comfort. It still hurts, but not for as long and not quite so much. Sometimes I pretend dad is watching pawn stars with me and have a private conversation with him in my head about what's happening on the show-I know that's a little strange, but whatever works. I can only imagine what he would say during the show Swamp people.
I think Melanie and I are working better together. The past few weeks we have been a little fiesty, maybe I should say I have been a little fiesty-maybe not even fiesty, just it has been difficult for me to make the simplest decisions-ones that don't even matter. I think between work, church, and everything else-the added stress of dad's passing and emotional toll fries my brain and I don't have much left at the end of the day. I think a lot had to do with stress. I should say I think Melanie has been absolutley amazing under the circumstances-taking care of the kids, doing her calling, helping with mom, running from our house to mom's house, then back again because we forgot something, etc. and I wish I could be as strong as her and appreciate all she is doing and I am continually astounded by her charity, and how much she is able to accomplish in one day, it's unbelievable.
Our kids are doing pretty good too. I think they are in heaven now because they like sleeping at grandma's and I will admit we have not been as strict with the rules at Grandma's as we usually are at our house. A few weeks ago I went to the fish auction in Utah and I took Kameron and Kyle and we stayed at Great Grandma Brown's house in Malad. We went to the cemetery and Kyle got down and hugged the grass by dad's graveside and said, "I love you grandpa." It was a tender and special moment. It was surreal but good to visit the cemetery. Grandma also shared some special things with me, which I don't feel are appropriate to post on a blog. Sometimes when we drive by the funeral home-Kameron will pipe up and say, "Want to see Grandpa."
It seems like mom is improving more and more each day in some areas. While she does have some memory issues, she seems to slowly be getting a little more zest for life back which is good to see. Peaches and tuna fish sandwiches seem to be her two favorite meals.
So overall, life seems to be a little more on the up and up with moments of down, which I think is ok and probably the way it should be.
Again, this is more for me as an outlet, I know my sister in law farrah is going to crush me for such a long post, but I can live with it.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Thoughts
I am writing this for myself more than anything-theraputic value?
Everything for me jsut seems like a blur right now-I feel like I am in a dream. I swear dad is going to stop by and visit the kids any second. I am still in such a state of shock I guess, it just doesn't seem real. Work has been hard for me as it is hard to focus at times. Sometimes I find myself going to pictures and videos looking for every image of dad I can find. I laugh, I cry, and just try to remember.
It has been interesting to go through dad's affairs. I have to give him credit as he was pretty organized in this area as opposed to the garage. It has felt overwhelming to try and figure out what to do and in what order, but we have been blessed along the way for sure. It was a huge blessing to discover that dad filed his 2009 taxes-makes me wonder if he had some sort of premonition. It was very stressful up until we found that out because they are due on Oct 15. While digging through records I found a result of one dad's doctor visits where it calculated his risk for heart trouble, by looking at cholesterol, etc. Around a year ago he was only slightly above the recommended level. But the most recent visit, for coronary risk he was more than twice the recommended level. It was just sobering to see it on paper. At his office there were two little books about how you know you are dying or something like that. I have much appreciated everyone willing to help with the tasks at hand-ecspecially Melanie, Dan and Shalee as I am constantly dumping stuff on them. We are plowing through the to do list as fast as we can.
It has been interesting to watch mom. As you know she didn't remember the conversation about moving in with her and was very opposed to it. She wants to maintain her independence and not depend on everyone to help her. We have been praying to figure it out and have been playing it by ear and letting it develop naturally. It is somewhat straining because our schedules are totally out of whack and just out of the norm. We aren't sure how long we should be there each day, if she wants food or not, if she needs us to leave for a while, making sure she takes her medicine, etc. These may seem like simple things, but challenging for us in the sense that we are trying to be delicate with mom. We have stayed there every night which I think is good. We were attempting to leave the other night to sleep at our house and mom wanted us to stay, so we did. I think she likes having us there, but doesn't want us to feel like we have to be there, but also wants her independence, but then acts surprised when we tell her we are leaving for a few hours, etc. So I guess what I am saying is it will just take time. Physically I think she is doing very well, about 100% better than when she got home. Emotionally I think she is ok, she gets overwhelmed as well by the choices and tasks that have to be done. I haven't seen her cry yet.
I know this is a bunch of rambling, but it feels good to get it out in some form.
I just miss dad
Everything for me jsut seems like a blur right now-I feel like I am in a dream. I swear dad is going to stop by and visit the kids any second. I am still in such a state of shock I guess, it just doesn't seem real. Work has been hard for me as it is hard to focus at times. Sometimes I find myself going to pictures and videos looking for every image of dad I can find. I laugh, I cry, and just try to remember.
It has been interesting to go through dad's affairs. I have to give him credit as he was pretty organized in this area as opposed to the garage. It has felt overwhelming to try and figure out what to do and in what order, but we have been blessed along the way for sure. It was a huge blessing to discover that dad filed his 2009 taxes-makes me wonder if he had some sort of premonition. It was very stressful up until we found that out because they are due on Oct 15. While digging through records I found a result of one dad's doctor visits where it calculated his risk for heart trouble, by looking at cholesterol, etc. Around a year ago he was only slightly above the recommended level. But the most recent visit, for coronary risk he was more than twice the recommended level. It was just sobering to see it on paper. At his office there were two little books about how you know you are dying or something like that. I have much appreciated everyone willing to help with the tasks at hand-ecspecially Melanie, Dan and Shalee as I am constantly dumping stuff on them. We are plowing through the to do list as fast as we can.
It has been interesting to watch mom. As you know she didn't remember the conversation about moving in with her and was very opposed to it. She wants to maintain her independence and not depend on everyone to help her. We have been praying to figure it out and have been playing it by ear and letting it develop naturally. It is somewhat straining because our schedules are totally out of whack and just out of the norm. We aren't sure how long we should be there each day, if she wants food or not, if she needs us to leave for a while, making sure she takes her medicine, etc. These may seem like simple things, but challenging for us in the sense that we are trying to be delicate with mom. We have stayed there every night which I think is good. We were attempting to leave the other night to sleep at our house and mom wanted us to stay, so we did. I think she likes having us there, but doesn't want us to feel like we have to be there, but also wants her independence, but then acts surprised when we tell her we are leaving for a few hours, etc. So I guess what I am saying is it will just take time. Physically I think she is doing very well, about 100% better than when she got home. Emotionally I think she is ok, she gets overwhelmed as well by the choices and tasks that have to be done. I haven't seen her cry yet.
I know this is a bunch of rambling, but it feels good to get it out in some form.
I just miss dad
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