Thoughts

I am writing this for myself more than anything-theraputic value?
Everything for me jsut seems like a blur right now-I feel like I am in a dream. I swear dad is going to stop by and visit the kids any second. I am still in such a state of shock I guess, it just doesn't seem real. Work has been hard for me as it is hard to focus at times. Sometimes I find myself going to pictures and videos looking for every image of dad I can find. I laugh, I cry, and just try to remember.

It has been interesting to go through dad's affairs. I have to give him credit as he was pretty organized in this area as opposed to the garage. It has felt overwhelming to try and figure out what to do and in what order, but we have been blessed along the way for sure. It was a huge blessing to discover that dad filed his 2009 taxes-makes me wonder if he had some sort of premonition. It was very stressful up until we found that out because they are due on Oct 15. While digging through records I found a result of one dad's doctor visits where it calculated his risk for heart trouble, by looking at cholesterol, etc. Around a year ago he was only slightly above the recommended level. But the most recent visit, for coronary risk he was more than twice the recommended level. It was just sobering to see it on paper. At his office there were two little books about how you know you are dying or something like that. I have much appreciated everyone willing to help with the tasks at hand-ecspecially Melanie, Dan and Shalee as I am constantly dumping stuff on them. We are plowing through the to do list as fast as we can.

It has been interesting to watch mom. As you know she didn't remember the conversation about moving in with her and was very opposed to it. She wants to maintain her independence and not depend on everyone to help her. We have been praying to figure it out and have been playing it by ear and letting it develop naturally. It is somewhat straining because our schedules are totally out of whack and just out of the norm. We aren't sure how long we should be there each day, if she wants food or not, if she needs us to leave for a while, making sure she takes her medicine, etc. These may seem like simple things, but challenging for us in the sense that we are trying to be delicate with mom. We have stayed there every night which I think is good. We were attempting to leave the other night to sleep at our house and mom wanted us to stay, so we did. I think she likes having us there, but doesn't want us to feel like we have to be there, but also wants her independence, but then acts surprised when we tell her we are leaving for a few hours, etc. So I guess what I am saying is it will just take time. Physically I think she is doing very well, about 100% better than when she got home. Emotionally I think she is ok, she gets overwhelmed as well by the choices and tasks that have to be done. I haven't seen her cry yet.

I know this is a bunch of rambling, but it feels good to get it out in some form.

I just miss dad